*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?