*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I鈥檒l go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 馃槵
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
me: why do you think my parents don鈥檛 love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.