@Browtweaten

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

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@nibz250

It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@bingowings14

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

@psybermonkey

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

@vineyille

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

@NewDadNotes

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

@LostFelicia

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

@junejuly12

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone