*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”