I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?