Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant