Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
When can I start eating bats again.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back