Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

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Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”


I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.


*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”


In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.


I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out


I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.


The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.