Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
my first dose meeting my second
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I gave up going to work for lent.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”