@Underchilde

Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.

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@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@ddsmidt

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

@david8hughes

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.

@caithuls

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

@NakedWhiteAss

Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.