Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.

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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.


My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.


Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.


Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class


i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton


Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello


Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.