“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”
“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”
-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion
me: is it contagious
doctor: is what contagious. where am i
The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.
A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
But this is my emotional support moat full of alligators
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”