@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

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@KevinFarzad

“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.

@_coryrichardson

doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i

@weirdralph

The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.

@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@TheBoydP

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

@redpawn3

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

@OmarNajam

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…