Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

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“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”


“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.


doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i


The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.


A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.


HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.


Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…


*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…