@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

You Might Also Like

@littlemy

tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.

@ArfMeasures

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

@gobmentcheese

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

@LABeachmom

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

@3sunzzz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

@Marcmywords2

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

@therealeatwood

ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.

@robwhisman

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

@TheHyyyype

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were