Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

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tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.


DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*



You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.


The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.


When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”


72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.


ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.


just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio


[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were