tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
You Might Also Like
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
ME: Would you like a snack?
4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were