Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Why font matters.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆