Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.