*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Haha! 😂
bout dat hot dog summer
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles