[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
man i love columbo
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage