[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am


If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.


Me: Go get everyone for dinner please


Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice


6: The screaming

Me: I got it


Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like “Abso-fruit-ly!” and they laugh like I’m so clever but we both know


Her: Are you getting off early today?



[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”


Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.