trying to flirt with a waitress and accidentally writing my phone number in the tip section of the receipt and charging 7 billion dollars to my debit card

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Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”


I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.


Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks


Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.


Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.


All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us


I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount


My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones