Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and accidentally writing my phone number in the tip section of the receipt and charging 7 billion dollars to my debit card
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones