@bitchrespecter

trying to flirt with a waitress and accidentally writing my phone number in the tip section of the receipt and charging 7 billion dollars to my debit card

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@Marcmywords2

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

@3sunzzz

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

@dumbbeezie

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

@TheDjinnTrials

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

@BoogTweets

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

@CruisinSoozan

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

@LlamaInaTux

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

@MelvinofYork

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones