[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Awesome parenting 😂
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
are there any atheist mantises?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines