Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Where is your GOD now????
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now