[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Social Media and Real life
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The first one, obviously
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.