trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell