[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄