@squirrel74wkgn

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

@RCCrew6

Wait……but…..what? Surely someone has told them by now.

@lmegordon

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

@TheTweetOfGod

The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.

@Barknado69

Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”

@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here