[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”