[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
#Caturday
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.