[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
*frowns in Scottish*
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?