[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Lmbo
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.