[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.


Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?


friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka


My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses


What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.


I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.


every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??


One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.


[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.


Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn’t recognize her with her mouth closed.