Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka
My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn’t recognize her with her mouth closed.