[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.