Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ddsmidt

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

@TheBoydP

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

@ObscureGent

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@duplicitron

What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

@CatherineLMK

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

@dubsteppenwolf

every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??

@Lisabug74

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

@BoomBoomBetty

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

@AristotlesNZ

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn’t recognize her with her mouth closed.