[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Good dog. ❤️
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Before & after 😅
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much