@murrman5

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

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@phxguy88

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

@CrockettForReal

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

@fro_vo

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

@LostFelicia

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

@Junk_Boat

One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…

It’s all in the delivery.

@jergarl

Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.

WebMD: Phone Cancer

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@pleatedjeans

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]