[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort