I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…
It’s all in the delivery.
Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.
WebMD: Phone Cancer
“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]