@AngelaEhh

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

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@david8hughes

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@andreeahluscu

Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.

@Diversion50

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

@hasht4g

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@missmayn

Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.

@chimneyspotter

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

@UnFitz

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”