Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.