Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
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When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.