*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?