fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
You Might Also Like
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
me: alexa, make all these people leave my house
alexa: *plays the chainsmokers*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.