@ShortSleeveSuit

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

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@KeetPotato

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

@gossipgriII

me: alexa, make all these people leave my house

alexa: *plays the chainsmokers*

@iAmDelFreaky

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

@Darlainky

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

@heykarlin

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

@Dan_Haak

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun