[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved