(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u