[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.