[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain