Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…