[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
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flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if âwhat’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
cold water immersion sounds cool but iâm doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I donât
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] youâŚyou ok in there?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
when someone tells me love is in the air đˇ
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says âI am battling the moon and it is not a secretâ: Ok.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Interviewer: âHow much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you canât fix it yourself and moving on?â
Me: âWell thatâs subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but Iâd call tech support in like 5 mins.â
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection đ