[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal