Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Buck naked
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*