Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
#winning
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.