@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

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@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@glenc217

Plot twist:

My avi is human, but I’m a cartoon in real life.

@dubstep4dads

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

@sophielou

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

@AthenaMystique

Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It’s snowing again!

Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@amishschool

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL