TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

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I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.


“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*


This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”


You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.


netflix: are you still there?

me: i’m literally not allowed to leave


As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.


“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.


ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead