TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.