@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

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@_SingleBabyMama

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

@AmishPornStar1

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

@kelkulus

The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.

@AndrewNadeau0

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”

@AmericanGent69

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

@Token_Geezer

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

@BrettDruck

Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.