How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My avi is human, but I’m a cartoon in real life.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It’s snowing again!
Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL