TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat