The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it