@EddieHarris216

TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down.
Me: Hang on.
(Sets up pottery wheel)
(Turns on unchained melody)
Let’s do this.

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@rickkondell

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

@nyquills

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@Ideal_Victoria

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@robin_991

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”