TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down.
Me: Hang on.
(Sets up pottery wheel)
(Turns on unchained melody)
Let’s do this.

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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.


God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what


We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices


Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”


when nothing goes right… go left


“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.


Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no


Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”