@bobvulfov

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

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@EmoPhilips

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

@david8hughes

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

@kylamb16

Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween

@GrantTanaka

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

@myles_morrison

I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.

@thesupergrobi

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

@C_GraceT

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING