TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

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I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up


I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.


I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.


My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.


[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?


I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.


Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.