My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING