@bobvulfov

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

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@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@DaHess1

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.

@RoobsC

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

@sixfootcandy

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

@buttsword

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@QwertyJones3

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.