Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
thinking about a very short hotdog
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
spicy snake
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Good morning
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know