Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Chuck Norris tries this at home.
[packing for camping trip]
me: need portable lights
jack: a flashlight?
me: nah, the bigger one with a handle
jack: oh, lantern?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE