*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*

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Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.


If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.


[packing for camping trip]

me: need portable lights

jack: a flashlight?

me: nah, the bigger one with a handle

jack: oh, lantern?


Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist


kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again


“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man


I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.


Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE