TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests