5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.