The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.