@ABurgerADay

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

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@Donna_McCoy

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

@aecide

Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.

@mrjohndarby

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

@Book_Krazy

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

@AsgardianRose

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

@Plurprincess_1

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

@TheBoydP

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

@Reel2Dialog2

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms