Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Buying a well is money well spent.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.