*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
This bar smells like my childhood.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.